Wednesday, April 1, 2015

F-35 Destroyed By FOD

An F-35 has been destroyed as a result of an in-flight FOD mishap involving bats.  The aircraft was struck by a flock of bats and ingested several into its engine resulting in a crash that destroyed the aircraft.  The pilot safely ejected. 

Navy officials blamed the accident on the aircraft’s extreme stealth.  Bats, who navigate using eco-ranging, a form of radar on a different frequency, are apparently blind to the F-35’s presence due to its extreme stealth and see the giant aircraft as having a return the size of a mosquito, the bat’s favorite food.  The bats then instinctively swarm the aircraft, attempting to capture and eat it, resulting in engine ingestion and subsequent damage.

The manufacturer is reportedly working on a blip enhancer tailored to the bat’s frequency range for use during take-off and landing.  It is hoped that the enhancer will enlarge the aircraft’s return to the size of a hawk, a predator of the bats, and scare the bats off.  When asked why they couldn’t just make the aircraft appear its normal size, a Navy spokesman said,

“You have to remember, the F-35 is so inherently stealthy that it’s just not possible to enhance the return much above that of a small hawk without resorting to external power pods.”

The Navy spokesman went on to note that the F-35’s extreme stealth over the entire electromagnetic spectrum has caused numerous unanticipated problems.  In a surprise piece of news previously unreported, the spokesman stated that several F-35’s have been lost on the ground when the aircraft were parked in and around hangars without taking careful note of GPS storage co-ordinates and ground crew on the following shifts couldn’t find them.  The spokesman said,

“It’s a bit embarrassing but we have lost several aircraft.  We know they’re out there, in and around the hangars, but we just can’t find them.  We’re hopeful that someone will eventually bump into them.”

Well, there you go.  I guess even stealth has its downside.

20 comments:

  1. It is rumoured that the DoD has placed a $1 billion plus 5 year R & D contract with Lockheed Martin to re-engineer the bats DNA to be able to recognise the F-35. The DoD thinking was that this could be an ongoing and if they just saved four F-35 from bat FOD they would be in 'profit'.

    Nick

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    1. But we all know that's just a cover up for their secret Super-Bat Army/Air-force, each trained to carry individual grenades all the way across the pacific ocean and kamikazi into enemy compounds.
      After all, when the economy of scale kicks in, each bat will only cost the taxpayer $30,000! A massive savings over the current tried-and-true Tomahawk!
      Never mind the current cost of $3 billion per bat, that's just the naysayers bloating figures!!!

      - Ray D.

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    2. I understood the bats were to carry traditional tomahawks to drop but they were too heavy for them to be able to take off, so the grenades are a compromise until the electromagnetic bat launchers are available.

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    3. "I hate April 1st."

      Well, you can rest easy for a year, now!

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    4. "... electromagnetic bat launchers ..."

      That's the stuff !!

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    5. "kamikazi" bats !

      I'm sensing a full scale project !

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    6. "... re-engineer the bats DNA ..."

      That would be the military way of approaching the problem !

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    7. CNO: "... re-engineer the bats DNA ... That would be the military way of approaching the problem!"

      ComNavOps, I'm sure you are aware it is thought by DARPA experts that the work now being done to code Artificial Intelligence software for the UCLASS project could be leveraged to rewrite the DNA code of bats. However, skeptics of this idea are labeling it 'guano.'

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  2. What a bunch of techno-babble.

    Does the Navy really expect people to believe that the frequency return response of the F-35 is the same for a SOUND based signal at 14k-120kHz AND a RADAR electo-magnetic based signal at 8-12 GHz?

    Why not also say that the seagulls cannot see the F-35 because of its stealth capabilities? Light reflection is only about the same multiple up from Radar as the Bat Sonar is below it!

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    1. GOOD ONE! I didn't check the date!

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  3. Love it !

    C U Next year. "Same Bat Time... Same Bat Channel"

    Beno

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    1. One of my favorite shows as a wee middie!

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  4. Aaannd until the last paragraph I completely fell for it...

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    1. In all seriousness, except for that part and one other part it's almost entirely believable (the other part being claiming that bat vision is a type of RADAR. It's actually a type of SONAR. Otherwise, it's technically feasible).

      We've apparently actually lost F-15s to Geese, so having the structurally weaker F-35 go down to a flight of bats isn't unreasonable.

      - Ray D.

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    2. A degree of believability is key to a good April Fools post!

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    3. Oh yes. I had a good chuckle at myself thinking briefly 'What? They lost the planes!!!!' :-)

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  5. do not delete this april fool thread , it might come thru in reality

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