USS Constellation to be Retired Early

In a move eerily reminiscent of the LCS, the Navy today announced the retirement of the not yet completed USS Constellation, first in its class of a new frigate.  Apparently, the Navy’s concurrency construction approach has resulted in so many unique modifications that the lead ship of the class has lost sufficient commonality with the subsequent class members to justify its retention. 

“Constellation has become such a unique, one-of-a-kind vessel that it would be cost prohibitive to operate and maintain the ship compared to its forthcoming sister ships”, explained Adm. Pete ‘Ketchum’ Inalie.  “In hindsight, we allowed too many change orders and had to make too many one-off modifications to accommodate the change requirements”, he went on to say.  “We now estimate that Constellation has only a 27% commonality with the subsequent ships of the class and that makes the ship unsustainable logistically.”
 
“We’ll complete Constellation’s construction as a means of finalizing the design and trying out new construction techniques but, ultimately, the only economically viable option is immediate retirement of the ship”, Inalie said.
 
“There is ample precedent for this move”, the Admiral stated.  “This is essentially what happened with the first LCS-1 and LCS-2 vessels.”

So much for the parent design eliminating problems, huh?  Another multi-billion dollar failure by the Navy.

 
____________________________

 
[1]Naval Industry News website, “Constellation to Retire Early”, Jacob S. Latter, 1-Apr-2025
https://navalindustryfakenews.com/constellation-pretend-retirement.com

USS Salem Reactivated

The Navy has announced the formation of an experimental hypersonic destroyer squadron consisting of the three Zumwalt class ships, the Zumwalt (DDG-1000), Monsoor (DDG-1001), and Johnson (DDG-1002).[1]  Zumwalt and Monsoor are scheduled to receive hypersonic missile launch cells, however, due to the lack of available missiles in the foreseeable future, Johnson will have space allocated and modifications made to be fitted with missiles at a future date.  In the meantime, the Navy has also announced that the USS Salem (CA-139), currently a preserved museum ship at Quincy, Massachusetts after being struck in 1991, will be reactivated for the purpose of removing one of its 8” triple gun turrets which will be mounted on the Johnson as an experiment in a combined hypersonic and heavy calilber gun vessel.
 

USS Salem as Museum Ship

Navy spokesman, Cmdr. Al Einshtein, explained that the addition of the Salem turret to the Johnson would return the Zumwalt class ship to its original purpose which was land attack.
 

The 8” mount will boost existing naval gun support to levels never before seen.  Further, it will allow us to experiment with 8”-compatible, extended range munitions which was, after all, the original intent of the Zumwalt class Advanced Gun System (AGS) and Long Range Land Attack Projectile (LRLAP).[1]

 He added,
 

At the same time, we want to modify the Johnson to operate unmanned, in conjunction with her manned sister ships Zumwalt, and Monsoor, as a sort of naval loyal wingman, analogous to the Air Force’s unmanned wingman program.[1]

 Work is scheduled to begin 31-Sept-2024 and complete in early 2027.
 

 
_____________________________

 
[1]US Navy Public Relations Affairs and Misinformation
https://comsucksurf/news/salem-turret-4-1-2024

Marine Transgender Regiment Announced

In what can only be described as an inevitable development that is sure to generate controversy, SecDef Austin and Marine Commandant Berger today announced the formation of a dedicated Marine Corps transgender regiment as an extension of the Commandant’s Force Design 2030 effort.  From the announcement, 

This transgender regiment typifies the diversity which gives the US military a pronounced combat advantage on the battlefield, said Austin.  Diverse units have an inherent advantage over monolithic units, Berger added.  We expect to build on this historic achievement by adding other types of dedicated, diverse units over the next few years as we phase out the obsolete MAGTF construct.[1] 

The new regiment, which is already being derisively referred to as the Rainbow Regiment by some commentators, will be patterned after the Israeli dedicated female units.  Describing the training model, Berger said, 

Transgender Marines will form units during boot camp and stay together all the way through to their assignment to the field unit.  This will ensure that the individual Marine’s preferred pronouns will be well established by the time they reach the field, thus facilitating battlefield communications.[1]

 
The Few, the Proud, the Diverse!
 
 
 
[1]Stars and Rainbows website, “Austin and Berger Announce Transgender Regiment”, Robbie Boygerl, 1-Apr-2023,
https://starsandrainbows.mil.it.ant.com

Merry Christmas

 Merry Christmas to you and yours from ComNavOps !

Santa is modernizing his deliver system.

Late 1942 Distributed Lethality Meeting

Late 1942.

 

Japan’s navy has delivered one unpleasant surprise and defeat after another to the US Navy.  So many of our ships have been sunk that the waters around Guadalcanal have become known as Ironbottom Sound.  Japan has demonstrated remarkable capabilities such as advanced carriers and carrier aircraft, the Long Lance torpedo, superb night fighting optics and tactics, devastating cruiser and destroyer attacks, mammoth battleships, etc.

 

US naval leaders are meeting to discuss the future ship designs and construction plans for the US Pacific fleet.

 

The following transcript of a hitherto secret naval meeting has just been released along with other long-classified documents.  Admiral Nimitz is identified but the rest of the names are still redacted.

 

___________________________

 

Adm. Nimitz:  Let’s get started.  We’re here to discuss our future ship designs and construction plans.  You all know the Japanese naval and aviation capabilities have been a rude surprise and have cost us dearly.  We need to develop a fleet that can not only counter these capabilities but exceed them.  Ideas?

 

Person 1:       It seems obvious that we need more of everything along with vastly improved torpedoes, a new generation of aircraft, better armored ships, and more firepower.

 

Person 2:       I’d like to offer an alternative approach, if I could?

 

Adm. Nimitz:  Go ahead.  I asked for ideas.

 

Person 2:       Instead of the usual progression of bigger, stronger ships with more firepower, I’d like to suggest that we build smaller ships that can operate in a distributed fashion where they would sail individually, deep into Japanese waters.  The Japanese will be unable to find them and, if they do find them, will be confused by the number of targets.  Japanese uncertainty will be our strength.

 

*** Drawn out silence ***

 

Person 3:       Wait a minute, I think I get it.  You want us to build ships with mammoth amounts of armor so that they can penetrate deep into Japanese waters and survive to inflict damage, right?

 

Person 2:       No, the ships would be unarmored.

 

*** Drawn out silence ***

 

Person 4:       So, you’re saying instead of armor the ships would have massive gun batteries and torpedoes?

 

Person 2:       No, the ships would have just a few small guns.

 

*** More silence ***

 

Person 5:       You must be talking about large squadrons of ships, then, with massive air cover?

 

Person 2:       No, the ships would operate independently, with no support.

 

*** Long drawn out silence ***

 

Adm. Nimitz:  Do I understand you correctly, that you want us to build small, unarmored ships with just a few small weapons to operate individually deep inside Japanese waters with no support even though the Japanese have been sinking entire groups of our best armored, heaviest cruisers and best destroyers on a regular basis?  Won’t these ships you’re proposing, operating on their own in enemy waters with no protection and no firepower, just be simple target practice for the Japanese?

 

Person 2:       No sir, they would confuse and confound the enemy.

 

Adm. Nimitz:  Son, the only person who is confused and confounded is you.  I’ve never heard a more idiotic idea.  You’re either an imbecile or a Japanese agent.  Either way, get out of here before I have you shot !

 

_____________________________

 

 

 

Well, there you have it – distributed lethality presented in the context of WWII in the Pacific.  Sounds pretty stupid, doesn’t it?  And, I imagine that would have been exactly the reaction of our naval leaders at the time.  They understood only too well the harsh realities of naval combat and the kinds of ships and firepower that were needed to fight naval battles and win.  They would be aghast at today’s leaders buying into this idiocy hook, line, and sinker.

Navy Announces Ford Class Flt II

The Navy has finally released some details about the long awaited, improved Ford class Flt II variant now scheduled to begin construction after the completion of CVN-82, the last Ford Flt I.  The Flt II carrier will be 125 ft longer than the current Ford which the Navy claims will enable a 47% increase in sortie rate.

 

The Navy also revealed planned modifications to the air wing composition.  The Flt II air wing will consist exclusively of F-35C squadrons in place of the traditional F-18 Hornet squadrons.  As hinted several years ago, the F-35 squadrons will be reduced in size from the current 12x F-18s per squadron to 8x F-35Cs per squadron.

 

Navy spokesman, Capt. Bill Melader, explained the smaller squadrons,

 

With fewer aircraft and a significantly larger flight deck,  aircraft crowding will be reduced and we’ll be able to greatly increase the sortie rate by streamlining aircraft deck movements and repositionings which will allow us to operate the F-35 at much higher rates.  This will more than compensate for the smaller squadron size and allow us to keep more F-35s in the air than we could have with larger F-18 air wings. (1)

 

The smaller F-35 squadrons will result in the air wing being reduced to around 50 aircraft including 32x F-35 (4 squadrons of 8x) plus assorted E-2 Hawkeyes, unmanned tankers, helos, and a future electronic warfare F-35 variant that will replace the EA-18G Growler.

 

The Navy also announced that the first Flt II Ford will be named the USS Carol Turner  to commemorate the first female chief of the Navy Dental Corps who held the position from November 2003 to August 2007.

 

 

 

_____________________________________

 

(1)Broken Defense website, “Navy Previews Ford Class Flt II and New Air Wing Composition”, Sue Medude , 1-Apr-2021,

https://brokendefense.com/2021/04/navy-previews-ford-class-flt-II-and-new-air-wing-composition/

Marines To Acquire Carrier Ford

Continuing his stream of stunning announcements about the overhaul of the Marine Corps, the Marine Commandant issued a press release today stating that the Marine Corps would acquire the USS Ford from the Navy during 4Q 2020.  The carrier would be operated by Navy sailors but commanded by Marine officers.  The unprecedented transfer of the carrier to the Marine Corps was prompted by the on-going problems with the carrier which have rendered it unfit for naval carrier operations.  A simultaneous Navy press release described the carrier transfer,

USS Ford operational control and command will transfer to the Marine Corps during the fourth quarter of 2020.  While the Navy has made extensive progress resolving the Ford’s first-in-class problems, the Navy has acknowledged that some of the Ford’s issues cannot be cost-effectively resolved and has determined that the maximum effective use of the carrier can best be made by the Marines. 

Lessons learned from the Ford have already been incorporated into modifications to the follow on Ford class carriers and they will achieve full functionality. (1)

What will the Marines do with a carrier?  According to the Commandant’s press release,

USS Ford will be modified to operate an air wing of UAVs in support of the Marine’s sea control distributed operations.  The UAVs will range in size from small RQ-21 Blackjacks to large Group 5 UAVs similar to the MQ-9 Reaper which will be designed to operate, optionally, as sensor or strike platforms.  The Ford will perform surveillance, targeting and strike operations in support of the Marine’s distributed sea control operations. (2)

Well, there you have it.  I admit that I was surprised by the Commandant’s announcement of his plan to radically overhaul the Corps but this development has left me stunned and feeling like a fool.

__________________________________

(1)Department of the Navy, Chief of Naval Operations, Memorandum 1-Apr-2020, “USS Ford Transfer Announcement”

(2)Broken Defense website, “Marines To Acquire Navy’s Newest Carrier”, Phil Mymug, 1-Apr-2020,

https://brokendefense/april/fools/post.com

The SEAL Mission

Here’s another fictional story but this time, instead of focusing on larger scale battles, we’re going to look at a single individual and how he might operate in the near future.

The very small Short Take Off, Vertical Landing (STOVL) aircraft settled gently to the ground next to the house the target was reportedly occupying.  It was dark and the aircraft’s stealth (including acoustic suppression) had been sufficient to ensure an undetected landing.  Double checking before leaving the aircraft, the operator patted the bag containing the package he was to deliver.  This was a non-lethal delivery intended only to send a message to the target.  The mission was to be a quick in-and-out operation with the package to be left for the target to find in the morning.

Lowering himself to the ground, he paused a moment to listen and assure himself that he was still undetected.  Satisfied, he spotted the small outcropping on the roof that his pre-mission intel had identified and then unhooked a specialized grappling hook from his MOLLE vest.  The vest was a recent addition to his standard outfit and he wondered how he had gotten along without it before.  He gently tossed the hook up to the roof outcropping and felt it snag securely.  Hand over hand, he quickly scaled the side of the house and pulled himself onto the roof.  It would have been much easier to land the aircraft directly on the roof, like in TV shows, but the reality was that unless a building was specifically constructed to take the weight, even a very light aircraft like his was just too much for a roof to hold.

With cat-like balance born of endless training repetitions, he made his way to the chimney.  It might seem clichéd but one of the easiest and least secured entry points to a building or house was the chimney, assuming it was large enough to accommodate a person.  The top of the chimney extended about four feet above the roof and had a simple locked grate over the opening.  His eyebrow arched up momentarily as he considered this.  The target was clearly no ordinary person as no ordinary person would have a locked grate over a chimney.  The operator smirked slightly.  No simple lock was going to stop him.  He had been trained to open any conceivable lock.

Sure enough, a moment’s effort was all it took to open the lock and quietly swing open the grate.  Reaching up with both hands to the edge of the chimney, he gave a slight jump, pulling himself up and twisting so that he landed, sitting, on the edge.  Swinging his legs over the edge, he dropped silently down the chimney only to abruptly stop short barely four feet down.  Pulling out his palm sized tactical flashlight, he looked down to see that he was standing on yet another grate, this one thick and embedded into the brick masonry. 

“Damn!”, he thought to himself, “This guy is taking security beyond reasonable and into paranoid.” 

Still, he wasn’t worried.  There were plenty of other ways into any structure and he had been trained to find and use all of them.  Hoisting himself up and out of the chimney opening, he ghosted back across the roof and slid down the grappling line to the ground.

Moving to a window sheltered in deep darkness, he began to examine the window.  He was taking no chances this time.  Removing a hand held multi-spectral sensor from a pouch on his vest, he carefully scanned the window.  His caution proved wise as he quickly detected criss-crossing laser beams.  Presumably, they were part of a motion detection system and connected to an alarm.  He would have to find another way in.  This was turning out to be more of a challenge than the pre-mission brief had led him to expect.  Time was also becoming a factor.  His mission schedule had some delay variance built in but there was a limit.  He had to find an entry point quickly.

Backing slowly away from the window, he reached across his chest and tapped a padded button on his shoulder.  The button activated his suit’s pizo-electric, adaptive camouflage capability.  The suit’s small optical sensor noted the ambient light and surrounding color wavelengths and the nano-threads of the suit’s fabric received a minute electrical charge from the sensor’s battery which had the effect of changing the color of the threads.  He was now completely blended in with the surroundings and virtually invisible.  Given the target’s demonstrated security fixation, the operator was taking no chance of being visually spotted by a hidden security camera.

Reaching into yet another pouch (love that MOLLE vest, he thought) he removed a pair of glasses and put them on.  He quickly blinked several times, activating the smart glasses head up display (HUD) and scrolled his way to the building schematics.  A quick moment of study and found what he was looking for.  The house was built on a crawl space with a service access door on the side of the building.

He began cautiously walking around the house to the side.  He was in full tactical mode now, stepping slowly and silently, feeling with his unweighted toe before placing his full weight on his extended foot and then repeating the process with each step.  It was an ungainly looking way to walk, toe-then-heel rather than the normal heel-then-toe, but it was silent and safe and he had long since mastered the movement to point that it was second nature.

A step away from the crawl space door, he paused to shine his shielded tactial flashlight at the door.  Out of the corner of his eye he caught the faintest glimmer of light.  Glancing down in the direction of the light, he was barely able to see a monofilament tripwire stretched across the door just a step in front of it.  One more slight movement and would have tripped it.

Backing off a step, he incredulously wondered, “Who is this guy?  No reasonable person has this kind of security at a house!”

The operator acknowledged to himself that he probably should have paid more attention to the mission briefing but his mind had wandered a bit.  That’s what happens when operations become too routine for too long. 

Stepping carefully over the tripwire, he examined the door.  Finding no additional alarms he ever so slowly opened the simple lock and unlatched the door.  Peering inside, he could see the usual assortment of heating ducts, pipes, and wires that every crawl space contains.  Easing himself into the crawl space, he slowly and silently moved to the nearest air duct and traced it up to the house’s main floor, directly above his head.  He quickly unscrewed the duct from the air diffuser and set the diffuser gently off to one side.  He now had a 4 inch by 10 inch opening into the main floor of the house.  Obviously, he couldn’t fit through the opening but he didn’t need to. 

Clipped to the back of his vest was a miniature remote controlled wheeled drone, much like a child’s remote control car, only this one had a tiny camera and a flatbed instead of a car body.  Reaching into his bag, he pulled out the package.  Fortunately, it was only the size of a man’s fist.  Reaching up through the exposed diffuser opening, he placed the drone on the floor and then carefully placed the package on the flatbed of the drone.

Opening yet another pouch on his vest, he removed the remote control unit for the drone, set the miniature display for low level light enhancement, and began driving the drone forward.  After a brief recon of the room above him, he spotted a likely corner and directed the drone to the location.  A touch of a switch and the drone’s tiny flatbed tipped sideways allowing the package to gently slide off and down to the floor.

Satisfied with the package placement, he quickly retrieved the drone and retraced his steps out of the crawl space and back towards his aircraft.  Jumping lightly back aboard, he let out a pent up breath and realized he had been sweating from exertion and tension.  It felt good to stretch his shoulders and relax for a moment.  Mission accomplished, curiosity immediately overcame him and he scrolled through his smart glasses to the mission briefing background to see who the target was and way he was so paranoid about security.  Seeing the name of the target, he let out a muffled curse. 

“Should have known”, he thought, “I hate delivering packages to retired SEALS.  Paranoid bastards, all of them!” 

With that, he deactivated his cammo suit and it immediately returned to its normal brilliant red.  Glancing out of the sleigh to clear left, right, and above, he rose into the air.  No one was there to hear it but as he rose out of sight he quietly muttered, “Ho, ho, ho, wise guy.  I beat you.  Enjoy your present of a new tactical wristwatch.  Merry f*ing Christmas!”

Note:  There’s no messages in this story – just a bit of Christmas entertainment.  I love SEALs.

Crewman Catapulted Overboard From Ford

As if the USS Ford needs any more problems … 

In an accident described by Navy officials as “a freak combination of factors”, a Navy deck crewman was inadvertently catapulted off the bow of the USS Ford during pierside maintenance activities. 

The ship’s problematic weapon elevators were being tested for the first time after having all been installed but not yet certified.  Unexpectedly, the operation of a single elevator triggered the operation of every elevator.  According to Navy spokesman, Lt. Jack Wang,

Obviously, we did not anticipate this but when the number 4 weapon elevator was triggered with all the other elevators electrically on line, all the elevators simultaneously activated in the same direction.  Just like the EMALS catapults have been found to have to be all up or all down, as a group, the elevators, which use the exact same sequential electric motor concept as EMALS, apparently are linked the same way, through a common weapons elevator capacitor.  If one moves, they all move.  This appears to be a common design flaw with both EMALS and the elevators.  We’re still investigating but it’s clear what happened. (1)

While this elevator flaw was bad enough, the unanticipated massive electromagnetic surge of all 11 elevators activating simultaneously caused an inductive relay activation of the firing circuits of the four EMALS catapults to engage and fired the cats.  Three of the four cats harmlessly fired but on one of the bow cats a deck crewman was sitting on the launch bar attachment trolley and when the cat fired the crewman was carried along and flung off the bow.

We were fortunate that the EMALS capacitor was at a low energy state and the cat shot was not a full speed launch.  It was just fast enough that the crewman couldn’t react in time to roll off but not fast enough to harm him. (1)

The crewman landed in the water about 50 ft in front of the carrier.  He was uninjured and able to swim to the stern where an arresting gear cable that was waiting to be installed was used to pull him back up to the flight deck.

When asked what it felt like to be catapulted, the crewman observed,

There was a surprising amount of vertical oscillation during the launch.  I had seen that on F-35 launches but they told us that problem was fixed.  I’m lucky I didn’t have one of those heavy helmets on that the pilots wear. (1)

Always looking to put a positive spin on things, the Navy spokesman noted,

While the incident was unfortunate, it did demonstrate that Ford’s elevators are all now working. (1)

The spokesman went on to address the aftermath of the incident,

CNO Richardson has already formed a committee, chaired by Admiral Merrill Stubing, to investigate, report, and make recommendations to prevent this from happening again. (1)

Off the record, the spokesman wryly noted,

Unofficially, the crewman is now the only person in the Navy who is credited with a cat and trap without an aircraft. (1)

The incident will have no impact on the Ford’s maintenance availability which is scheduled to be completed in early 2029.

_______________________________

(1)Broken Defense website, “Ford Catapults Crewman”, Brandi Forall, 1-Apr-2019

LSO Cartoon

The cartoon portion of this was just too funny not to re-post.  The LSO with the seeing-eye dog and the dog holding the phone is absolutely hysterical !

Frontier Former Editor blog,
https://frontiereditor.wordpress.com/category/landing-signal-officer/

New Mission For Zumwalt Gun

As you recall, the Zumwalt Advanced Gun System (AGS) was rendered inoperative when the Navy cancelled the Long Range Land Attack Projectile (LRLAP), the only munition that the gun was able to launch.  Since then, the Navy examined the possibility of adapting an existing munition to fit the AGS but concluded that none would provide the performance that could justify the cost and, instead, opted to do nothing and monitor industrial developments in the hope that a suitable munition might spontaneously emerge – a prospect that ComNavOps viewed as wishful thinking, at best.

Now, though, a combined industrial and State Department government initiative has provided a mission and an unconventional munition for the Zumwalt’s AGS.  The LRLAP canisters are being adapted to accommodate a non-lethal, humanitarian aid payload in support of the State Department’s Global Outreach - Total Care Humanitarian Aid program which provides a complete range of humanitarian aid to natural disaster areas.  The initial payload will be an adaptation of the military’s standard field rations, the MRE.  In an exclusive interview with Navy Matters Blog, Navy spokesman Adm. Harriman Nelson explained the new AGS non-lethal round.

“The Navy has always supported deterrence and a major part of that effort is humanitarian aid.  The problem in the past has been the logistics of supplying that aid.  During a natural disaster, bridges, roads, ports, and airfields are often unusable and that greatly hinders delivery of supplies.  By packaging MRE’s into the LRLAP canisters, we’ve solved the distribution issue.  The AGS-LRLAP-MRE canister system provides a means of launching and delivering individual MRE’s 70-100 miles with pinpoint GPS accuracy.  We can literally drop an MRE onto a family’s dinner table and we can do this at a sustained rate of 10 meals per minute for an indefinite period.”

Adm. Nelson went on to explain that MRE’s were just the first of many payloads that the LRLAP canisters could deliver.  Plans are already underway to provide payloads of medical supplies, fresh water, tools and building materials, and emergency communication cell phones among other possibilities.

While such a non-lethal use of a $8B warship may seem unusual to many observers, Adm. Nelson explained the Navy’s position.

“Yes, traditionally, warships have been focused on combat but the modern Navy recognizes that promoting peace and goodwill is the preferred approach to ensuring world peace.  In fact, although we haven’t particularly advertised it, for the last couple of decades the Navy has been deemphasizing combat capabilities in our warships in favor of enhanced non-lethal capabilities.  We want to be viewed as a non-threatening ‘peace fleet’ rather than a ‘war fleet’ and the Zumwalt’s AGS with LRLAP-MRE is a major step toward that goal.”

Both the Navy and State Department spokespersons noted that if this effort proved successful, the concept could be adapted to the Navy’s ubiquitous 5” gun thereby enabling massive disaster relief supply efforts with fleets of Burke class destroyers providing massed salvos of MRE’s to disaster areas (1).

Adm. Nelson concluded by stating,

“When the State Department approached us last April with this concept, we recognized the value in a non-lethal AGS immediately and knew we would be fools not to support this effort.”

Initial test firings are scheduled to begin this month and, if successful, the Zumwalt is tentatively scheduled to make its first humanitarian aid deployment by the end of the summer.

__________________________________

(1)State Department, Global Outreach – Total Care Humanitarian Aid (G.O.T.C.H.A.) website,  retrieved 1-Apr-2018

Famous Naval Movie Remakes

Remakes of famous movies are a staple of Hollywood moviemaking entertainment.  I’ve just learned that a series of famous naval movies are scheduled for remakes with a modern take on them.  Here’s a list of the movies along with a brief synopsis of the plots. 

In Harm’s Way – The inspiring story of courage against all odds.  Fighting off green energy task forces, a courageous Captain risks all to continue using incandescent light bulbs on his ship even in the face of overwhelming bureaucratic odds.

Run Silent, Run Deep – Rig for silent running as the creators of the LCS slip silently away, ducking responsibility depth charges and gaining promotions in the process!

They Were Expendable – The true story of the Spruance class destroyers that were sunk by the US Navy in a desperate attempt to stave off criticisms of the new Aegis system and eliminate any possible alternative.

Mister Roberts – A plucky lieutenant tries to look out for his crew while waging a tireless campaign to get the ship’s Captain to approve his transfer to a naval hospital for a gender change operation.

Crimson Tide – Suspense abounds as a submarine Captain and his Executive Officer clash over the wording of the PowerPoint slides they’ll use to summarize the sub’s patrol.  Mutiny ensues and the crew must choose sides:  the Captain wants Arial font and the XO wants Times New Roman.

The Enemy Below – An American destroyer Captain engages in a battle of wits with an Iranian submarine commander.  Watch as the American destroyer fires off volley after volley of strongly worded protests until the Iranian simply orders the American destroyer to stand down and be boarded, at which point the heroic American crew comply and are eventually released to return home to a hero’s welcome and medals for all the female crew members for just being there.

The Caine Mutiny  – A ship Captain is relieved for “loss of confidence in his ability to command” after an anonymous complaint from a crew member to the Navy’s 1-800-SQUEAL phone line accuses the Captain of miscounting the ship’s strawberry inventory.  The subsequent court martial reveals that, indeed, one can of strawberries was short a berry and Navy leadership congratulates itself on weeding out yet another unfit Captain.

Top Gun – A maverick pilot breaks all the rules as he battles the Navy and a caricature enemy before passing out in his F-18 due to oxygen deprivation in the climactic scene.

The Final Countdown – A freak storm sends a Navy carrier back to WWII where they learn that warships used to have armor and heavy weapons.  Stunned, they return to their own time and vow never to speak of what they have learned.

G.I. Jane – In an absurd bit of movie making, a woman breezes through SEAL training.  Oh wait, that’s not a ridiculous remake – that was the original movie!

An Officer and a Gentleman – A young man attends Officer Candidate School where he learns what it really means to be a Navy officer.  Watch as he learns to smile and salute while extolling the virtues of a non-functional weapons program, thwarts Congressional cost caps, masters the art of micromanagement, rises through the ranks by taking no chances, and ultimately retires to a well earned position on the board of a major defense industry company.

Operation Petticoat – This lighthearted WWII movie sees a pink submarine with an all female crew rescue a party of helpless men from the Japanese advance.  The ensuing hijinks show why men don’t belong in a modern Navy!

The Cruel Sea – A taut psychological thriller of life at sea.  Witness the cruelty of life at sea as the ship crosses the equator and the Pollywogs in the crew are forced to endure unimaginable hazing cruelties when the Shellbacks in the crew make funny faces at them.  Warning!  Some scenes may be too graphic for younger viewers as Pollywogs are politely requested to eat Jello blindfolded while being told that it is dragon’s blood.

Down Periscope – A misfit Captain and his crew take a submarine into a wargame, sink all the blue ships, and the results are ignored.  Oh wait, that was Millenium Challenge 2002, not a movie.

How about it?  Seen any good movie remakes lately that didn’t make the list?

What's In A Name?

The Navy’s latest social engineering imperative is to gender neutralize all job titles.  Without commenting on the utter stupidity of that, here are some tongue-in-cheek suggestions for the Navy and Marines.

Old Title - New Gender Neutral Title

Rifleman – Projectile Propulsion Technician

Engineman – Mechanical Movement Facilitator

Signalman – Message Transference Specialist

Machinery Repairman – Mechanical Reconstructionist

Corpsman – Advil Distribution Technician

Legalman – Obfuscation Specialist

Damage Controlman – Floatation Assurance Technician

Yeoman – Minion

Fire Controlman – Random Location Generator

Infantryman – Personal Supplies Transporter

Aviation Ordnanceman – Airborne Explosives Handler

Naval Aircrewman – Sensor Supernumerary

Aviation Maintenance Administrationman – Arcane Forms Administrator

Mineman – Antiquated Explosives Expert

Feel free to suggest any of your own.

The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through HQ

Not a ship was stirring, not even the crews;

The watch stations were manned though few seemed to fear,

That a blip on the screens would ever show there;

The Admirals were nestled all snug in their racks;

While visions of railguns danced in their heads;

The Chiefs in the goat locker, and I in my Whites,

Had just settled down with no enemy in sight,

When o’er the 1MC there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the head to see what was the matter.

Away to CIC I flew like a flash,

Tore through the passage and threw open the hatch.

When what to my wondering eyes did appear,

But an incoming bogey, already too near,

With an evasive maneuver so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment we might take a hit.

More rapid than Hornets the bogey still came,

So I called for a scramble and called them by name:

"Now, Hornets! now, Turkeys! now Rhinos I call!

Launch the alert fighters, now launch them all!

The intercept geometry didn’t look right,

I knew then and there we were in for a fight;

The sensors were locking, the missiles spun up,

We might be beaten but we’d never give up;

And then, in a twinkling, we made our ID

It was just Santa;  I should have known it was he.

His sleigh was more stealthy than a Raptor could be;

And unlike a Lightning, it could pull lots of g’s.

As we secured from GQ and began to stand down,

I started to smile and loosen my frown.

A wink of my eye and a shake of my head

Soon let the crew know they had nothing to dread;

And then we received a general broadcast,

A hearty Ho, Ho! As his blip faded fast.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

F-35 Destroyed By FOD

An F-35 has been destroyed as a result of an in-flight FOD mishap involving bats.  The aircraft was struck by a flock of bats and ingested several into its engine resulting in a crash that destroyed the aircraft.  The pilot safely ejected. 

Navy officials blamed the accident on the aircraft’s extreme stealth.  Bats, who navigate using eco-ranging, a form of radar on a different frequency, are apparently blind to the F-35’s presence due to its extreme stealth and see the giant aircraft as having a return the size of a mosquito, the bat’s favorite food.  The bats then instinctively swarm the aircraft, attempting to capture and eat it, resulting in engine ingestion and subsequent damage.

The manufacturer is reportedly working on a blip enhancer tailored to the bat’s frequency range for use during take-off and landing.  It is hoped that the enhancer will enlarge the aircraft’s return to the size of a hawk, a predator of the bats, and scare the bats off.  When asked why they couldn’t just make the aircraft appear its normal size, a Navy spokesman said,

“You have to remember, the F-35 is so inherently stealthy that it’s just not possible to enhance the return much above that of a small hawk without resorting to external power pods.”

The Navy spokesman went on to note that the F-35’s extreme stealth over the entire electromagnetic spectrum has caused numerous unanticipated problems.  In a surprise piece of news previously unreported, the spokesman stated that several F-35’s have been lost on the ground when the aircraft were parked in and around hangars without taking careful note of GPS storage co-ordinates and ground crew on the following shifts couldn’t find them.  The spokesman said,

“It’s a bit embarrassing but we have lost several aircraft.  We know they’re out there, in and around the hangars, but we just can’t find them.  We’re hopeful that someone will eventually bump into them.”

Well, there you go.  I guess even stealth has its downside.

China Sabotages US Navy

ComNavOps has highly placed sources within the Chinese military.  One such source has reported the existence of a Chinese plot to undermine the US Navy and has managed to relay a recording of a top level planning group discussing sabotage of the US fleet.  Here is the transcript of that meeting.

_____________

Esteemed Admiral:  Comrades, our decades long plan to infiltrate the American Navy leadership has finally succeeded.  We have placed an agent in a very high position of authority and are ready to begin the sabotage of the cursed US Navy dogs.  It is the job of this group to come up with ways to slowly break their navy from within.  We must come up ideas that will damage their navy but without being so obvious that it would give away the presence of our agent.  So, who has an idea?

Minions:  We could have them idle their Aegis cruiser fleet under the guise of modernizing them?

Adm.:  That’s excellent.  It’s very risky for our agent.  Any US commander would instantly see it as utter foolishness but it’s worth the risk.  Let’s do it.

Admiral’s Aide:  I shame myself to mention this, sir, but the US Navy has already announced plans to do exactly that.

Adm.:  You’re kidding?!  They’re retiring the most powerful warships in the world?  Well, that will save us some effort.  All right, what else can we do?

Minions:  We could have them change their doctrine to move their amphibious assault forces 50 miles off shore?

Adm.:  I like it!  Then they would have no way to get their troops ashore in fighting shape and their round trip times would be too long to sustain an assault.  Again, the risk to our agent is great because of the obvious stupidity of the idea but let’s do it!

Aide:  Many pardons and abject apologies, sir, but the US Navy and Marines have already done that.

Adm.:  Really?  How do think they can conduct an assault from that far away?  Oh well.  I need more ideas.

Minions:  The Americans are going to build a new ballistic missile submarine.  What if we have our agent reduce its effectiveness by cutting the number of missile tubes in each sub by one third, delete the ship’s torpedoes so it can’t defend itself, and we could have them build a couple less new subs instead of replacing them one-for-one!

Adm.:  Yes, although our agent would be at great risk suggesting something so obviously unwise.  Nevertheless, I approve it.

Aide:  Would that I could kill myself rather than speak, sir, but it is my duty to tell you that the Americans have already included all that in their SSBN design.

Adm.:  This is very difficult to believe.  I suppose we must come up with even more damaging and outlandish ideas.

Minions:  The Americans are building a new AMDR radar system.  We could have them build it too small to meet the requirements and have them place it on a ship that has insufficient power and utilities to run it and has no room for future growth?

Adm.:  That may be too far.  They would recognize the idea as the height of foolishness and see our agent for what he is.

Aide:  May I and all my descendents be cursed forever, sir, but the Americans are already planning to do exactly that.

Adm.:  That is not possible!  Not even the Americans would intentionally build their main radar of the future too small to meet its requirements.  Enough of this!  If the Americans are this foolish, we must come up with the most outlandish idea we can.  Give me an idea that is utterly idiotic.

Minions:  We could have them replace a third of their powerful combat fleet with the weakest ship they have?

Adm.:  Now that’s the kind of extreme idea I’m looking for.  There is no possibility that our agent could implement such an idiotic idea but the very thought might cause disruption.  Let it be done!

Aide:  When we are through here I will rocket myself into space, never to return to the shame of having to say this but I must report that the Americans have already started doing this using their LCS patrol boat.

Adm.:  Well, it appears we’re wasting our time.  Tell our agent that he may as well come home.  The US Navy is doing a better job of sabotaging themselves then we could!

Death of a Salesman

We’ve noted the beginning of a PR campaign by the Navy in support of the barely changed LCS.  Well, it turns out that the Navy attempted to hire a New York marketing company to help them come up with a campaign to sell the “new and improved” LCS.  ComNavOps has obtained a recording of the initial meeting between the Navy and the marketing company.  Here’s the transcript.

Ad Executive:  Gentlemen, it’s an honor to assist the Navy.  Let me tell you just a bit about our company.  We can market anything and I do mean anything.  You may not know it but we were the ones who convinced people to pay several dollars for a bottle of water.  Yeah, that’s right!  The same stuff you can get for free from any tap in America and we sold people on paying through the nose for it.  So, what does the Navy want to sell? 

Admiral:  Well, we’ve got a ship that has an image problem and we’re afraid that it’s only going to get worse after we promised that we’d come up with a new frigate and, instead, just made a few minor tweaks and kept the same old ship.  We need to make everyone believe that it’s a brand new, amazing ship.

Exec:  No problem.  That’s what we do.  So, what’s notable about this ship that we can build hype around?

Adm:  Well, it’s fast.

Exec:  Fast!  That’s great.  People love speed.  What does the ship do with its speed?

Adm:  Nothing.  We haven’t found a use for it, yet.

Exec:  Ummm …  OK, not a problem.  Let’s take a different approach.  Everyone loves a giant steel battle machine.  We can …

Adm:  Sorry to interrupt but the ships are mostly aluminum.

Exec:  Aluminum.  ALUMINUM?!  My rowboat is made out of aluminum and it dents every time I hit a lilypad.  Plus, one time I put my camp stove in the boat before the stove had completely cooled and it nearly melted a hole in the boat.  You people build ships out of aluminum?  You’re kidding me!  Well, that won’t work.  What about guns?  America loves guns!  We can sell that.  I assume the ship has a great big gun?

Adm:  Ah, the gun doesn’t work.  When the ship goes too fast, the gun vibrates and we can’t hit anything.

Exec (jaw hanging open):  You’re killing me, here.  You gotta give me something to work with. 

All right, what if we make this a documentary marketing campaign?  You know – focus on actual patrols and the adventures of the ship and crew.  According to the notes you provided, you’ve got 4 ships in commission with around 16 commission years among them.  You’ve got to have some great war stories we can sell, right?

Adm:  Ah, we haven’t actually deployed any of them, yet.  Well, we did send one to Singapore for a PR tour but it wound up spending most of its time in port, being repaired.

Exec:  You’re yanking my chain, now, aren’t you?  Seriously, nobody would build a ship this pathetic.  There’s no way to sell this and believe me, we can sell anything to anyone.  Heck, we’re the guys that Lockheed Martin hired to sell the F-35 to the Marines.  I thought that was a tough one but this is ridiculous.  I’m sorry Admiral, come back when you have something we can work with.